Once upon a time, there was this fabulous 23 year old girl named Crys. Only a few months after breaking up with her boyfriend of 3 years, she decided to join her fellow baddies at Drai’s nightclub in Hollywood for her friend, Jenna’s birthday. To celebrate Jenna’s birthday in proper fashion, her boyfriend, Justin, was gracious enough to purchase a cabana for her and her fellow maidens. Upon their arrival to the cabana, Crys noticed a strapping 32 year old fellow named James, a friend of Justin’s. James was a gorgeous personal trainer with a body that even Donatello could only dream of sculpting. James and Crys hit it off, drank veuve clicquot all night, and lived happily ever after.
Actually, James and Crys drank veuve clicquot, made out all night until one of the maidens got drunk and threw up everywhere, which ended with the remaining maidens being forced to leave and take care of the drunkard… and then they lived happily ever after.
Well, not quite. Smitten by each other, they talked on the phone all night and anticipated their first date. Nervous about their first engagement, Crys and James decided to loosen up with tequila shots and margaritas.
Crys wakes up in James’ bed the next morning to find her clothes and under garments all over his room. James and Crys can’t remember if they used protection so Crys takes a plan B pill and catches feelings for James but he preferred to limit their engagement to heavy make out sessions and passionate sex. Crys gets mad and changes his name in her cell phone to “Don’t Answer!” and that is the ever-so-real ending of the not-so-love story of James & Crys. The End.
How many movies have we seen where a blossoming relationship is formed following a sexual encounter that happened before they knew each other’s last name? One of the reasons why romantic comedies are a major factor in the film industry being a billion dollar business is because it gives us hope that we, too, can be the star of our own vomit-inducing rom-com. We crave the benefits of a relationship so much that we’ll overlook red flags, conflicting core values, and questionable emotional maturity to achieve temporary butterflies. Since birth, women have been force fed the fantasy that we can be the exception like Carrie & Big (or even Samantha & Smith!). This common way of thinking has led to more disappointment and heartbreak than a Lauryn Hill concert in 2018.
In the land of happily ever after, James would’ve realized that he’s been a complete fool, searched for her job location and arrived with tulips, a box of See’s divinity puffs and a confession of his love for her. In reality, James contacted Crys months later for a redbox and chill night. Crys kindly declined and blocked him again on her new phone. The reality is that we, as millenial women, have to stop living in this fantasy world when it comes to dating and relationships. Numerous surveys have proven that most men who have had sex “too soon” with women that they were smitten with didn’t let that deter their pursuit of a relationship with them. However, studies have also shown that most men who have slept with women in the beginning phase of dating don’t end up marrying them. The harsh truth is that in 2018, women are still judged by the outdated purity scale and run the risk of getting our feelings hurt if we have sex too early. In short, if he’s not still pursuing you after you’ve slept with him, he just wasn’t that into you to begin with, sis.
In our fantasy world, we’ll wait until he says “I love you” overlooking the skyline. In reality, we’ll probably sleep with him by this weekend after receiving a “you up?’ text. I got you, sis. To full proof your ego, I’ve listed 5 things that every woman must do after having sex too soon.
Like every non-sociopathic human being, you want to cuddle after sex and possibly pillow talk because of the emotional connection prior to hooking up with him. This is the worst thing that you could possibly do! After having an intense physical connection, you’re adding the bonding cherry on top of your hot sexual sundae. Cuddling or staying the night will only deepen your connection with him and soon, he’ll be all that you can think about. Spare yourself and your friends that have to here about it. If he’s at your place, tell him that you have an early day the next morning or that you forgot to get some last minute work done that you promised your boss you would finish. If you’re at his place, tell him that you had a lovely time, kiss and gtfo.
2. Be Cool
Oxytocin, also known as the “bonding hormone”, is released through orgasms, causing intense feelings of trust and love towards your partner. This is the chemical that leads you into believing that he’s different, you love him and and that going to work without showering is a great idea because you’ll be able to smell him on your skin all day (been there ugh). While you’re secretly googling both of your zodiac signs married on company time, he’s thinking about how good the sex was, nothing more. That’s because oxytocin doesn’t affect men as strongly as it does women. What’s crazy is that men are very aware of this. Be cool, sis! The best thing for you to do right now is to lay low and let him make all of the moves until oxytocin wears off which is in about 10 days. You got this!
3. Face Reality
Be mentally prepared to not receive the same treatment that you did before having sex with him. I’m not saying that things are going to be different but it’s better to be safe than in jail for busting out his windows in an emotional rage. Another tough reality to face is that men that are no longer interested will use this time to “phase out”. This means that he will say and do nice things but less frequently to avoid being straight forward and hurting your feelings with the truth. A lot of men use this method to avoid looking like the “bad guy”. Realizing that he may not call, be consistent, or even interested as he used to be is a hard pill to swallow but being logical in this moment is going to save you the heartache. Use this time to focus on work, hobbies, and spending time with friends.
If you absolutely must, communicate your feelings at least 2 weeks after having sex. I say 2 weeks because you will be speaking from a clear head instead of your oxytocin filled heart. By now, you will have realized that asking the dreaded, “What are we?”, is needed or unnecessary. It’s best to meditate and write out what you would like to say (don’t read it to him please) prior to your conversation with him to make sure that you hit all or most of your key points.
5. Be Easy On Yourself
In situations like this, we tend overthink our sexual encounter and over analyze everything he ever said to us and then piece it together like we’re Harriet The Spy (90’s reference) or something. Doing this to yourself will only send you down a Britney Spears 2007 downward spiral and no man is worth taking that route (just ask Jessie Gallan). We all have been there and it’s best to keep things in perspective. He was in the bed with you so he doesn’t deserve to be on the pedestal that you’re currently putting him on. Also, if he was truly interested in you as a person, he would have remained consistent in his pursuit of you. Most of the time, our behavior is more about us than it is about others. Have a positive outlook on the situation and use it as a lesson learned. You were too cute for him anyway!
Blogger, Crys Watson of The Stylish Activist